At every available occasion, wander off, thus break rule number one in the Doctor’s mental handbook. This particularly effective if he is mid-flow of a heavily verbose, techno-babble, science lecture as wounded pride always comes before a fall, in this case probably yours and possibly in a carnivorous black hole.
Tell him he reminds you of your pet cat you had while you were growing up and ask him if you can rub his belly.
Sing, Joe Pascquale’s “I know a song that’ll get on your nerves!” complete with squeaky decibelled voice whenever he finally decides that he needs to sleep and if possible teach it to the TARDIS.
Throw your elocution lessons out of the preverbal window and make as many grammar mistakes as possible. Bet yet correct his grammar mistakes and metaphors even if his use of the past participle is perfect and generally tell him he is wrong a lot.
Force him to take you to the biggest intergalactic shopping mall and drag him around all the lingerie shops until the colour of his prominent cheek bones matches the colour of his burgundy converse.
While at said mall, buy ginger hair dye and take every opportunity to remind him you are both rude and ginger.
Oh listen carefully because this one’s very important. You’ve heard of Samson and Delilah, right? Cut his hair while he’s having a cat nap or run around brandishing a razor for spontaneous attacks like they did in “The Jackass Movie”.
Ask him if he has two of anything else and demand a visual demonstration as proof.
Always carry a gun, pen knife, garden shovel, whatever you can get your hands on and embrace your wild, west, trigger happy self.
Refuse to believe in basic scientific principles like the Earth isn’t flat, evolution is ridiculous and travelling at light speed is impossible.
Use the phrase, “Am I bowered?” as much as possible especially whenever he’s trying to impress you or showing you some beautiful Technicolor sunset or robotic dog with ten times the IQ of the average member of the human race.
Lose the TARDIS in a game of poker particularly if you are playing against the Master or Davros.
Take notes of future events like horse races, football scores, and lottery numbers and wire them to your bookie.
Fall madly in love with the time travelling, quirky, space stud and make it obvious even for the relationship challenges Gallifreyan. For example try writing “Your name ‘heart’ The Doctor” on all his sticky, post-it notes, boil his sonic screwdriver, parade around in school uniforms and ask him about ‘dancing’.
Play “Hey Mickey you’re so fine” on surround sound throughout the TARDIS and Talk at length and in exquisite detail about all your sexual encounters and tell him that he’s like ‘your gay best friend’ who you can tell anything too. This effectively insults his masculinity and when it comes to his manhood even the aloft Doctor like’s to think he has the biggest screwdriver.
Kick multiple puppies and generally show no compassion and as much prejudice against alien races as possible.
Call 0800 numbers from the TARDIS phone and write the phone on toilet stalls all over the galaxy with the words “Sexy space man looking for a good time. Likes to be referred to as ‘The Master’ and make sure you visit the Hubs ladies room at some point.
